Ad-nauseam
I'm having a really hard time with this blog. I censor myself so often and so well that to spill my guts in a place where anyone can read it really freaks me out. I never write the stuff that's floating around in my head because then everyone will know what a fragile nutcase I am. It was a bad day. It was the wrong day to cut me off on the highway.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats.
The other day I was driving in bumper to bumper listening to this pop song that I like despite myself. You know it. It's super sappy and listening to it makes me feel like I'm in middle school again nursing an obscenely impossible crush. It's all crap. Anyway, the guy who was driving in front of me must have been listening to the same damn song because he was moving his head perfectly to the music, and his head was perfectly bald and I felt so strangely connected to this guy that it made me want to sob. But I was premenstrual
Anyway, this post was supposed to be about my body and in a way it has been. The part of my body that I absolutely loath is my stomach. I am always conscious of its size whether I'm walking or sitting or lying down. (and what the fuck else is there?) Years ago when I ran all the time it was flat and strong I hated it then too. In fact, I can't remember a time when I didn't hate some part of my body. The first time that I felt physically self-conscious was in fifth grade and the memory is burned into my brain. I was looked down at my calf one day while I was in school and it looked really big to me. It was big, it was muscle. I've always had a muscular body, that's just the way I'm built, but the other girls were skinny and I wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't as well. I hate that my mind feels so disconnected from the rest of me. But I've been through therapy and I've analyzed my feelings ad-nauseum and still it's there so I'm really at a loss about what do at this point. Plus, I'm not feeling very optimistic tonight.
The part of my body that I like? Hmmm. My lips. I like my eyes too, and my forearms are pretty buff. I keep telling myself that I'd like my whole body if I just lost weight, but that's a lie. The women who look like walking skeletons tell themselves the same thing.
Every normal man must be tempted at times to spit on his hands, hoist the black flag, and begin to slit throats.
The other day I was driving in bumper to bumper listening to this pop song that I like despite myself. You know it. It's super sappy and listening to it makes me feel like I'm in middle school again nursing an obscenely impossible crush. It's all crap. Anyway, the guy who was driving in front of me must have been listening to the same damn song because he was moving his head perfectly to the music, and his head was perfectly bald and I felt so strangely connected to this guy that it made me want to sob. But I was premenstrual
Anyway, this post was supposed to be about my body and in a way it has been. The part of my body that I absolutely loath is my stomach. I am always conscious of its size whether I'm walking or sitting or lying down. (and what the fuck else is there?) Years ago when I ran all the time it was flat and strong I hated it then too. In fact, I can't remember a time when I didn't hate some part of my body. The first time that I felt physically self-conscious was in fifth grade and the memory is burned into my brain. I was looked down at my calf one day while I was in school and it looked really big to me. It was big, it was muscle. I've always had a muscular body, that's just the way I'm built, but the other girls were skinny and I wondered what was wrong with me that I wasn't as well. I hate that my mind feels so disconnected from the rest of me. But I've been through therapy and I've analyzed my feelings ad-nauseum and still it's there so I'm really at a loss about what do at this point. Plus, I'm not feeling very optimistic tonight.
The part of my body that I like? Hmmm. My lips. I like my eyes too, and my forearms are pretty buff. I keep telling myself that I'd like my whole body if I just lost weight, but that's a lie. The women who look like walking skeletons tell themselves the same thing.
posted by The Monkey at 9:21 PM
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